• Lose weight: This is by the most popular new years resolution around. But unless you’re the newest contestant on the Biggest Loser or Lindsay Lohan, it’s not happening. So stop being a follower and start being a leader. Tell everyone your resolution is to gain as much as possible, as fast as possible and they could all support you by buying you an assortment of KFC and Popeye’s gift certificates.
• Follow your Dreams: Under no circumstance quit your job and wait for a musical montage to begin following you as you find true happiness as an artist living on the beach. Unless of course your dream is to be unemployed with a case of “how am I going to pay the rent” anxiety syndrome.
• Spend more time with Family: Sure it sounds nice in a hallmark card, but when you’re way hungover on Sunday mornings, the last thing you’ll want to do is meet the family for brunch. Getting over to the toilet bowl to get a drink of water is hard enough.
• Stop drinking so much: Why? As long as you can function somewhat normally in society and your midday keg races aren’t affecting your work, there’s no reason to stop doing what comes so naturally. And don’t even think twice about the beer belly issue — just stop buying pants that don’t come with an expandable waistline.
• Learn something new: Unfortunately in this context, new is often a synonym for completely unachievable. You aren’t going to start brewing your own beer this year nor will you become a certified snake charmer. Why not work on learning something realistic and productive, like how much a girl needs to drink in a bar to fully develop functioning beer goggles.
• Relax more: Unless this is a fancy way of saying that you got fired from your job then forget about it. If you’re a productive person who goes to work daily and drinks tri-weekly, then relaxing more just doesn’t really fit into the schedule. So exchange your new yoga mat for a year’s supply of caffeine and energy supplements. They’ll keep you so awake and so on edge that you’ll forget the word relax even exists.
• Be a Better Person: Yes Mother Teresa, this sounds very impressive to say aloud, but it’s practically impossible to execute. Do you really want to give up your seat on the subway for a pregnant woman? And do you really plan to donate all your paychecks to charity? Unless you’re a serial killer who can actively be a better person by refraining from murder, it’s a lost cause.

(Guyism.com)